2008 Woodie Awards
The uniform battle
Brendan Clark
Issue date: 3/28/07 Section: Sports
Every sport has them, and they help to define the sport they represent. Some look ridiculous (figure skating), and some are non existent (bowling), but every sport has some sort of uniform. Of course, baseball has the greatest uniforms because it is the greatest sport. Let me explain why.
Basketball: If you are ripped like Ben Wallace then basketball uniforms are the right choice for you. However, if you have been cursed with back-ne like our friend JJ Redick, the basketball uniform is a poor choice. I suggest wearing some sort of undershirt to compensate for your lack of hygiene. I will give it to him though, it is tough to soap your own back in the shower. Another thing, when guys wore booty shorts to play basketball, if they preferred boxers to briefs, there was a constant danger of an unsightly show. I am not hating on booty shorts though; when I rock them, my pasty thighs create a blinding light which I promptly use to take the ball straight to the hoop. But now, shorts hang down to players' ankles and it honestly looks ridiculous. Ty Lawson looks like he is wearing my sister's capris.
Football: Sure, you guys look all tough, but let's see what you look like when the pads come off. Okay, you are still big. But seriously, take a lesson from rugby and lose some of those pads. The sport of football would be much more. However, my biggest problem with the football uniform is the tights with no socks. Your exposed calves look ridiculous. Girl's legs can be hot, guys legs are never hot. Throw on some socks and add a little legitimacy to the football uniform.
Hockey: Hockey uniforms are pretty sweet, so I won't hate too much. The only problem is there's no sex appeal. Perhaps some of the NHL players should think about using a mask that covers their teeth so that they can keep them. Chicks dig teeth. Blades are awesome, though, respect to those who can stay on their feet while wearing them.
Baseball: We'll start from the bottom. First of all, we wear socks with our tights making us automatically cooler than football players. Second we pack 9 spikes of pure metal that we know how to use. I've been given some grief in the past from non-baseball playing guys about our tights, implying that they are girly. However, I have received nothing but compliments from the ladies regarding my baseball tights-clad badunkadunk. And isn't it all about the ladies anyway? Eye black is definitely badass, unless you manage to eclipse your face with it like a certain squatty second baseman for the Generals. And last, the baseball hat is the single most imitated sports apparel of all. Not only is it great for blocking out that pesky sunlight, but it is a fashion statement. Only downside to baseball uniforms are the baseball tan, but I'm quite proud of mine.
There you have it, baseball once again proves its superiority in the world of sports. Go rock your tights and be proud of it, and make sure you always wear a cup, because you never know when disaster's gonna strike.
Basketball: If you are ripped like Ben Wallace then basketball uniforms are the right choice for you. However, if you have been cursed with back-ne like our friend JJ Redick, the basketball uniform is a poor choice. I suggest wearing some sort of undershirt to compensate for your lack of hygiene. I will give it to him though, it is tough to soap your own back in the shower. Another thing, when guys wore booty shorts to play basketball, if they preferred boxers to briefs, there was a constant danger of an unsightly show. I am not hating on booty shorts though; when I rock them, my pasty thighs create a blinding light which I promptly use to take the ball straight to the hoop. But now, shorts hang down to players' ankles and it honestly looks ridiculous. Ty Lawson looks like he is wearing my sister's capris.
Football: Sure, you guys look all tough, but let's see what you look like when the pads come off. Okay, you are still big. But seriously, take a lesson from rugby and lose some of those pads. The sport of football would be much more. However, my biggest problem with the football uniform is the tights with no socks. Your exposed calves look ridiculous. Girl's legs can be hot, guys legs are never hot. Throw on some socks and add a little legitimacy to the football uniform.
Hockey: Hockey uniforms are pretty sweet, so I won't hate too much. The only problem is there's no sex appeal. Perhaps some of the NHL players should think about using a mask that covers their teeth so that they can keep them. Chicks dig teeth. Blades are awesome, though, respect to those who can stay on their feet while wearing them.
Baseball: We'll start from the bottom. First of all, we wear socks with our tights making us automatically cooler than football players. Second we pack 9 spikes of pure metal that we know how to use. I've been given some grief in the past from non-baseball playing guys about our tights, implying that they are girly. However, I have received nothing but compliments from the ladies regarding my baseball tights-clad badunkadunk. And isn't it all about the ladies anyway? Eye black is definitely badass, unless you manage to eclipse your face with it like a certain squatty second baseman for the Generals. And last, the baseball hat is the single most imitated sports apparel of all. Not only is it great for blocking out that pesky sunlight, but it is a fashion statement. Only downside to baseball uniforms are the baseball tan, but I'm quite proud of mine.
There you have it, baseball once again proves its superiority in the world of sports. Go rock your tights and be proud of it, and make sure you always wear a cup, because you never know when disaster's gonna strike.
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