2008 Woodie Awards
Locke and the Bear: Fraternity Olympics
Peter Locke and Phil Broderick
Issue date: 3/28/07 Section: Distractions
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Two things before we move on to The Games:
1. Key Fobs. Saunter on down to the bookstore, if you should feel so inclined to bill your parents for a Vineyard Vines belt and W&L Christmas tree ornament, and take a gander at the two wicker baskets of key fobs that seductively sit in front of the cashier. Now, you might be intrigued to see that these little gems are made from leftover tie material and cow ass (leather), so you might pick one up. And as your hypothetical trip to the bookstore continues, you might put it on the counter, envisioning that you could potentially attach this to the keys to your Toyota 4Runner, but before you do, notice the price. These mothaf**kas be tryin' to charge 20 bones for a key fob!!!!!!!!! Let's repeat this: key fob. Some squishy, leather, old tie, and a metal ring. FOR 20 CLAMS!!!! What kind of robber barons are running this place? We estimate that, in the two small wicker baskets, there is a half a semester's worth of tuition ($6,000). Grand theft fobbery, we say. You could steal that little basket, buy a trench coat, and create a key fob black market. Unbelievable.
2. Drink selection at the co-op. We realize you signed a contract with the carbonated devil (in this case, Coke), but did you have to sign an exclusive contract? We no longer have Red Bull, Arizona ice tea, and Starbucks coffee drinks…three staples of exam week lunacy. And the Cinnabon imitations suck. So does Rockstar. And who do you have to whack off to get some decent sweet tea? A fie upon the co-op.
RED, RED, MEEEEEEEEAAT. (Read to the tune of red, red wine).
In case you missed the prior 16 columns, we'll pull you up to speed. Somebody needs to organize a Fraternity Olympics. And as we become more socially progressive, perhaps women can compete in their own, slower, less athletic, more boring version of it. We can call that, say, the Sorority Olympics. Anyhoo, the idea is simple. Frat dudes compete in activities that fraternal organization members typically engage in. We figgered we would outline some of the events, keeping in mind some are team (frat) events, and others are individual ones. We also gave you our early favorites in each event. So without further ado: The Fralympics.
1. Key Fobs. Saunter on down to the bookstore, if you should feel so inclined to bill your parents for a Vineyard Vines belt and W&L Christmas tree ornament, and take a gander at the two wicker baskets of key fobs that seductively sit in front of the cashier. Now, you might be intrigued to see that these little gems are made from leftover tie material and cow ass (leather), so you might pick one up. And as your hypothetical trip to the bookstore continues, you might put it on the counter, envisioning that you could potentially attach this to the keys to your Toyota 4Runner, but before you do, notice the price. These mothaf**kas be tryin' to charge 20 bones for a key fob!!!!!!!!! Let's repeat this: key fob. Some squishy, leather, old tie, and a metal ring. FOR 20 CLAMS!!!! What kind of robber barons are running this place? We estimate that, in the two small wicker baskets, there is a half a semester's worth of tuition ($6,000). Grand theft fobbery, we say. You could steal that little basket, buy a trench coat, and create a key fob black market. Unbelievable.
2. Drink selection at the co-op. We realize you signed a contract with the carbonated devil (in this case, Coke), but did you have to sign an exclusive contract? We no longer have Red Bull, Arizona ice tea, and Starbucks coffee drinks…three staples of exam week lunacy. And the Cinnabon imitations suck. So does Rockstar. And who do you have to whack off to get some decent sweet tea? A fie upon the co-op.
RED, RED, MEEEEEEEEAAT. (Read to the tune of red, red wine).
In case you missed the prior 16 columns, we'll pull you up to speed. Somebody needs to organize a Fraternity Olympics. And as we become more socially progressive, perhaps women can compete in their own, slower, less athletic, more boring version of it. We can call that, say, the Sorority Olympics. Anyhoo, the idea is simple. Frat dudes compete in activities that fraternal organization members typically engage in. We figgered we would outline some of the events, keeping in mind some are team (frat) events, and others are individual ones. We also gave you our early favorites in each event. So without further ado: The Fralympics.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
jim
posted 4/06/07 @ 3:38 AM EST
wow, a dick cheney joke! how CURRENT! Are there any OJ jokes to follow????
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