2008 Woodie Awards
I would do anything for flag: A frat heist
Dave Monroe
Issue date: 3/21/07 Section: Distractions
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There it sits. Staring at it fills me with a sensation difficult to describe. Perhaps only a pornography connoisseur can understand how I feel when I watch the purple beauty sway and flap in the wind, tempting and taunting me like one of those unnattainable Kappa girls. I want it so bad. But how do I go about getting it?
I am talking, of course, about the flag on the front porch of the SAE house. For some time now I have fantasized about its capture. Its relative proximity to my place of residence, as well as the fact that it lies within arm's reach, have done nothing to curb my obsession. Often have I watched it from my bedroom window, wondering if it wants me as desperately as I want it.
My friends don't seem to be able to understand my fixation with the SAE flag. "It's just a flag," they say. "It can't love you back," they say. "You're a crazy bastard," they say. But what they say is unimportant when compared to the heights of my passion, and the unquenchable fire in my loins.
I'm not even sure what the E-dogs have on their flag. The image is surely inconsequential. It's probably a goofy lion or something. I would much rather not know. Just as the porker of babes saves all of his looking for the triumphant moment of unveiling, so I intend to remain blissfully ignorant until the instant that I claim my prize.
Right now, all I know about the flag is that it is purple. This fact lends to my desire a strange element of homoeroticism. While this might deter some, this forbidden aspect of the flag only makes it more irresistible to me.
But pilfering such a conspicuous symbol of class and prestige will not be easy. The porch and its surrounding environs are well-lit. Moreover, the SAE house is disturbingly close to City Hall, the Lexington Police Department, and perhaps worst of all, Old House. "Just go at like 4 in the morning," some of you might be saying to yourselves. But the E-dogs are likely to be indulging in a variety of amphetamines at any given hour of the night. Their bodies will be twitching with urgency and ready for action. An ancient Sikh proverb comes to mind: never challenge an SAE to a footrace.
I am talking, of course, about the flag on the front porch of the SAE house. For some time now I have fantasized about its capture. Its relative proximity to my place of residence, as well as the fact that it lies within arm's reach, have done nothing to curb my obsession. Often have I watched it from my bedroom window, wondering if it wants me as desperately as I want it.
My friends don't seem to be able to understand my fixation with the SAE flag. "It's just a flag," they say. "It can't love you back," they say. "You're a crazy bastard," they say. But what they say is unimportant when compared to the heights of my passion, and the unquenchable fire in my loins.
I'm not even sure what the E-dogs have on their flag. The image is surely inconsequential. It's probably a goofy lion or something. I would much rather not know. Just as the porker of babes saves all of his looking for the triumphant moment of unveiling, so I intend to remain blissfully ignorant until the instant that I claim my prize.
Right now, all I know about the flag is that it is purple. This fact lends to my desire a strange element of homoeroticism. While this might deter some, this forbidden aspect of the flag only makes it more irresistible to me.
But pilfering such a conspicuous symbol of class and prestige will not be easy. The porch and its surrounding environs are well-lit. Moreover, the SAE house is disturbingly close to City Hall, the Lexington Police Department, and perhaps worst of all, Old House. "Just go at like 4 in the morning," some of you might be saying to yourselves. But the E-dogs are likely to be indulging in a variety of amphetamines at any given hour of the night. Their bodies will be twitching with urgency and ready for action. An ancient Sikh proverb comes to mind: never challenge an SAE to a footrace.
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 2
Alumnus
posted 3/27/07 @ 12:03 AM EST
You're a tool. It's sad they are letting kids like this into W&L now. How steep is the downhill slope going to get?
BrotherHero
Samms Hardin
posted 3/29/07 @ 5:44 PM EST
This guy is freaking awfull. he is probably one of these SAT 1500 kids they only let in now. And what on earth is the Old House? Sophomores are lame.
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