The Trident

Issue date: 3/21/07 Section: Distractions

In our small W&L society, we are obsessed with two types of people: celebrities and fratlords. Adoration for the former is not specific to our campus, but the latter is a type of person who must be cultivated and groomed and who can only be appreciated by the intensely trained eye of a W&L student. What would happen, then, if these two breeds of person were mixed to form the ultimate hybrid human being? This proposition brings several interesting questions to the forefront. For instance, would a human DNA strand be able to support such a high concentration of coolness? Would this race of human come to dominant and subjugate the rest of mankind? However, these are all secondary concerns. Indeed, of paramount significance is the query: Which frat would these demigods join? Clearly the cream of any incoming freshmen crop, these "frat-ities," if you will, would command the attention of all Greek upperclassmen. In an effort to answer the last of these burning questions, I have selected random celebrities, and through a highly scientific and analytical process, been able to determine, with 99% confidence, which fraternity each of these frat-ities would join.

Brad Pitt - Brad is beautiful, let's face it. That fact automatically precludes him from most fraternities, realistically leaving only FIJIs and Sigma Chis to compete for his membership. In the end, however, his effortless looks, charming personality, and confident swagger push him to the Sigma Chi camp. Can't you picture Brad Pitt in khakis and a polo, entertaining a horde of female admirers at Pole 3?

David Beckham - This decision centered around two key factors. First, he is a soccer player. Second, he is foreign. Also, he seems like a really cool guy and his wife is extremely good looking. So I was thinking either Phi Kapp or Kappa Sig. In the end, I think there might be a personality clash with the Skulls, and I think his being foreign pushes the scales in favor of K-Sig.

Roger Clemens - This one is a no-brainer. Clemens is tough, from Texas, and is a mean s.o.b. He would also be W&L's best pitcher. These qualities make him an obvious KA.

Continued...

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