2008 Woodie Awards
Locke and the Bear: Things that don't exist that should... exist
Peter Locke and Phil Broderick
Issue date: 3/14/07 Section: Distractions
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Locke and the Bear would like to take this opportunity to rate FD as we would a male nurse's portfolio: A to quite A. The fireworks were the much ballyhooed surprise, and the ballyhoo was justified. Locke tried to start an impromptu rendition of the W&L swing on the cadaver bridge, and it was met with a lukewarm reception. What, is school spirit not cool anymore?
Sadly, Locke's date did not make it past dinner at the Southern Inn. However, this allowed him to creep around the FD dance floor, observing a number of public makeouts. Naturally, they were phenomenal. There were even some alumni, to borrow a phrase from Teddy "ballgame" Williams, doing the old DFMS. FD is many things, but some of the best are the following: the ludicrous amount of money that is spent, the dressing up, and people making out in public. Let's get real classed up in penguin suits, spend lots of money on entertainment and top shelf booze, and then get hammered beyond all responsibility and suck face with your date. Does this not scream college to anyone else? FD looks different, but basically we engage in the same behavior that happens in the sketchier corners of Pumptown, and it is only now respectable because you're wearing a tux or a gown. This also got us to thinking: when was the last time you wore a tuxedo without getting slappywagged? Alvin-Dennis should just include a tumbler and some Advil with your patent leather shoes. Furthermore, why wasn't the FD shirt a tuxedo shirt? This seemed like an opportunity too good to pass up. For shame, FD T-Shirt committee (which, amazingly, exists).
One of the problems of the period after FD before spring term is that there is little to look forward to other than spring term itself, which shines brightly…though far away. If motivation was a commodity, then it would be in dangerously short supply during this period. We would have to water it down, save the drippings after frying it, and other various and sundry actions associated with the Great Depression and Dub-Dub Deuce (WWII). Anyway, and we're REALLY reaching for a segue here, since this period is a period of day dreaming…we thought we would trot out some of the things that we feel need to come to fruition. For your convenience, itemized and numbered so you don't get confused and we don't have to generate any more stretched out segues to thread together this non-sequitor blast of printed diarrhea. We just ooze class.
Sadly, Locke's date did not make it past dinner at the Southern Inn. However, this allowed him to creep around the FD dance floor, observing a number of public makeouts. Naturally, they were phenomenal. There were even some alumni, to borrow a phrase from Teddy "ballgame" Williams, doing the old DFMS. FD is many things, but some of the best are the following: the ludicrous amount of money that is spent, the dressing up, and people making out in public. Let's get real classed up in penguin suits, spend lots of money on entertainment and top shelf booze, and then get hammered beyond all responsibility and suck face with your date. Does this not scream college to anyone else? FD looks different, but basically we engage in the same behavior that happens in the sketchier corners of Pumptown, and it is only now respectable because you're wearing a tux or a gown. This also got us to thinking: when was the last time you wore a tuxedo without getting slappywagged? Alvin-Dennis should just include a tumbler and some Advil with your patent leather shoes. Furthermore, why wasn't the FD shirt a tuxedo shirt? This seemed like an opportunity too good to pass up. For shame, FD T-Shirt committee (which, amazingly, exists).
One of the problems of the period after FD before spring term is that there is little to look forward to other than spring term itself, which shines brightly…though far away. If motivation was a commodity, then it would be in dangerously short supply during this period. We would have to water it down, save the drippings after frying it, and other various and sundry actions associated with the Great Depression and Dub-Dub Deuce (WWII). Anyway, and we're REALLY reaching for a segue here, since this period is a period of day dreaming…we thought we would trot out some of the things that we feel need to come to fruition. For your convenience, itemized and numbered so you don't get confused and we don't have to generate any more stretched out segues to thread together this non-sequitor blast of printed diarrhea. We just ooze class.
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