2008 Woodie Awards
I have an idea...
David Monroe
Issue date: 3/7/07 Section: Back Page
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The Tool: To a certain extent, every fraternity has them. Some suffer the presence of only a few, and cloister them in Gaines Hall or faraway off-campus houses like a religious order struggling to hide its sexual deviants. Other frats seem to themselves be unabashed celebrations of tooldom, and are almost entirely composed of such social undesirables.
Whatever your fraternity's case may be, the phenomenon of the tool is surely a concern. As a mere journalist, I will offer no solution to the tool problem. I'll let the writers of more prestigious publications, such as the Ring-Tum Phi and the Spectator, solve the Big Problems, like global warming and the growing tool epidemic. But of course those two can begin solving the latter simply by studying their own staffs.
But I do not have time to concern myself with acne-covered J-school outcasts or insecure right-wing hack writers. Nay, I am concerned with the entertainment of my readers. And their are few things more entertaining than the wholesome spectacle of tools getting what has been coming to them. Which brings me to the focus of my article:
IM BRAWL:
IM Brawl threatens to quickly unseat basketball as the best-attended intramural event. Actual fights at this school are more rare than likeable Phi writers, and by sanctioning such events through the intramural system we could consistently witness these elusive gems of violence. The rules would be pretty simple. Basically, each team would field 7 players (I picked seven because it rhymes with eleven). Teams could agree on weapons if they wanted to use them, just like in the streetfights of yore. No time limit would restrict this unadulterated chaos. Last frat standing wins.
Certain fraternities would not be manly enought to participate. The IM chair would probably have to let SPE, Lambda, and Kappa Sig compete via musical prowess like in West Side Story. In some ways, this would be even more amusing than an actual brawl. And of course there would be extensive clothing restrictions for the girls competition.
Whatever your fraternity's case may be, the phenomenon of the tool is surely a concern. As a mere journalist, I will offer no solution to the tool problem. I'll let the writers of more prestigious publications, such as the Ring-Tum Phi and the Spectator, solve the Big Problems, like global warming and the growing tool epidemic. But of course those two can begin solving the latter simply by studying their own staffs.
But I do not have time to concern myself with acne-covered J-school outcasts or insecure right-wing hack writers. Nay, I am concerned with the entertainment of my readers. And their are few things more entertaining than the wholesome spectacle of tools getting what has been coming to them. Which brings me to the focus of my article:
IM BRAWL:
IM Brawl threatens to quickly unseat basketball as the best-attended intramural event. Actual fights at this school are more rare than likeable Phi writers, and by sanctioning such events through the intramural system we could consistently witness these elusive gems of violence. The rules would be pretty simple. Basically, each team would field 7 players (I picked seven because it rhymes with eleven). Teams could agree on weapons if they wanted to use them, just like in the streetfights of yore. No time limit would restrict this unadulterated chaos. Last frat standing wins.
Certain fraternities would not be manly enought to participate. The IM chair would probably have to let SPE, Lambda, and Kappa Sig compete via musical prowess like in West Side Story. In some ways, this would be even more amusing than an actual brawl. And of course there would be extensive clothing restrictions for the girls competition.
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