2008 Woodie Awards
Locke and the Bear: The Play's the thing wherein we'll catch the conscience of the king
Peter Locke and Phil Broderick
Issue date: 2/14/07 Section: Distractions
Locke and Phil went to DC this weekend on a frat fieldtrip. It was more of a fact-finding mission than anything else, and one of the facts we discovered is that Phil can fall asleep chewing. These seem like contradictory actions, but, for all you nay-sayers and Shakespeare enthusiasts, Locke has ocular proof. Locke just threw in a literary reference and he's really pleased with himself. Which, for lack of a better word, makes him a d-bag. Phil bites his thumb at Locke, sir, he bites his thumb indeed.
So this last Saturday, as we were dreading the hangover of tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow (promise that's the last one), we happened upon a few road signs that made us do a little gigglin'. Numero Uno: Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft. This isn't a local thing; these signs are everywhere. How can the government get away with this kind of garbage? First of all, does anyone slow down when you see these signs…fearing Goose and Mav will swoop out of the sky and issue you a sidewinder up the exhaust pipe? Crhhgh…I got ocular proof of a white Toyota doin 3 over in a school zone, permission to buzz his tower?...crrhhhh…PERMISSION DENIED. This is outrageous. Is there any way that a speeding ticket would even cover the cost of jet fuel? (Side note: say the word diesel and then say the word petrol. It is IMPOSSIBLE to say petrol without sounding like a stereotypical gay guy…try and say petrol and sound like John Wayne, you cannot, sir. This is why the British lost the revolutionary war, by the way.) And this isn't even taking into account that a jet plane could have no reliable way of measuring your speed from a safe distance. How would they slow down and stop you? We could see, MAYBE, a Harrier jump jet like the one that powered around The Governator in True Lies…but aren't those like 75 billion dollars just for one of them? This cannot be efficient. It simply cannot. Oh, and we're not slowing down.
The other sign we saw that gave us a little giggle, and a very guilty giggle at that, was the sign for the Virginia School for the Deaf and Blind. (Disclaimer: we support your right to be deaf and blind.) (Second disclaimer: is being deaf and blind a right?) First of all, we always honk when we drive by, you know, just to let everyone else on the highway know that we are compassionless and soulless. Anyhoo, it's a really nice building. And God forgive us for asking this, but a visually pleasant building for blind people? Couldn't you cut a few corners, not on technology or anything, but on appearance and such? Our souls may have just left our bodies for greener pastures, but we don't blame them.
So this last Saturday, as we were dreading the hangover of tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow (promise that's the last one), we happened upon a few road signs that made us do a little gigglin'. Numero Uno: Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft. This isn't a local thing; these signs are everywhere. How can the government get away with this kind of garbage? First of all, does anyone slow down when you see these signs…fearing Goose and Mav will swoop out of the sky and issue you a sidewinder up the exhaust pipe? Crhhgh…I got ocular proof of a white Toyota doin 3 over in a school zone, permission to buzz his tower?...crrhhhh…PERMISSION DENIED. This is outrageous. Is there any way that a speeding ticket would even cover the cost of jet fuel? (Side note: say the word diesel and then say the word petrol. It is IMPOSSIBLE to say petrol without sounding like a stereotypical gay guy…try and say petrol and sound like John Wayne, you cannot, sir. This is why the British lost the revolutionary war, by the way.) And this isn't even taking into account that a jet plane could have no reliable way of measuring your speed from a safe distance. How would they slow down and stop you? We could see, MAYBE, a Harrier jump jet like the one that powered around The Governator in True Lies…but aren't those like 75 billion dollars just for one of them? This cannot be efficient. It simply cannot. Oh, and we're not slowing down.
The other sign we saw that gave us a little giggle, and a very guilty giggle at that, was the sign for the Virginia School for the Deaf and Blind. (Disclaimer: we support your right to be deaf and blind.) (Second disclaimer: is being deaf and blind a right?) First of all, we always honk when we drive by, you know, just to let everyone else on the highway know that we are compassionless and soulless. Anyhoo, it's a really nice building. And God forgive us for asking this, but a visually pleasant building for blind people? Couldn't you cut a few corners, not on technology or anything, but on appearance and such? Our souls may have just left our bodies for greener pastures, but we don't blame them.
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