2008 Woodie Awards
A Twerp's Guide to Valentine's Day
Ted Williams
Issue date: 2/14/07 Section: Back Page
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This is really a make or break holiday for all relationships. Never is a Valentine's Day just mediocre. They are always outstanding or terribly humiliating. I did my best work in the 10th grade when I made grilled cheeses, wrapped them in tin foil, and had a picnic with a girlfriend on the 17th hole at Riomar Country Club (I have included this so that women will think higher of me). My worst experience was when I gave my girlfriend of two years a remote control Hummer. My perception of gifts was that if I would enjoy it, she would too. As I walked through the isles of Toys' R' Us, I really wanted a remote control car. And yes, I realize that it is pathetic to go Valentine's Day shopping at Toys' R' Us. Adding to the problem was that she opened up the gift with her family. Her sister went first and opened up a box that had Tiffany's pearl earrings. Boy, did I feel stupid. So, the question is, how do we avoid feeling stupid this Valentine's Day? Here are the answers.
Stupid Ideas
Expensive Gift. Unless you already have your investment banking signing bonus and you are officially "big time," this is a mistake. Boy, are you going to feel stupid when she gives you an iPod arm sleeve and you give her a Kay Jewelry Diamond necklace, retail value $300. Every kiss does not begin with Kay. Kiss Percentage: 42%
Pledges do the work. I told my pledges to send a Valentine's Day gift to a girlfriend my sophomore year. The shipped a package that contained an inappropriate drawing, Wal-Mart panties, and a picture of one of them half naked with my name on their chest. We are no longer dating. Realize pledges are stupid and that they are neither creative nor good with women. Kiss Percentage: 7%
Lingerie. We all clearly want to buy hot women tiny articles of clothing so that we can see them in it. But let's be honest. We are too young to try to pull off cool stunts like this and we will probably just end up weirding the other person out. I have gotten kicked out of Vitoria's Secret twice. Once when I asked if I could try on one of the thongs and the second time when I told the clerk that my girlfriend had a body shaped like my friend and tried to get her to convince him to try on the Santa Suit. Kiss Percentage: 22%
Stupid Ideas
Expensive Gift. Unless you already have your investment banking signing bonus and you are officially "big time," this is a mistake. Boy, are you going to feel stupid when she gives you an iPod arm sleeve and you give her a Kay Jewelry Diamond necklace, retail value $300. Every kiss does not begin with Kay. Kiss Percentage: 42%
Pledges do the work. I told my pledges to send a Valentine's Day gift to a girlfriend my sophomore year. The shipped a package that contained an inappropriate drawing, Wal-Mart panties, and a picture of one of them half naked with my name on their chest. We are no longer dating. Realize pledges are stupid and that they are neither creative nor good with women. Kiss Percentage: 7%
Lingerie. We all clearly want to buy hot women tiny articles of clothing so that we can see them in it. But let's be honest. We are too young to try to pull off cool stunts like this and we will probably just end up weirding the other person out. I have gotten kicked out of Vitoria's Secret twice. Once when I asked if I could try on one of the thongs and the second time when I told the clerk that my girlfriend had a body shaped like my friend and tried to get her to convince him to try on the Santa Suit. Kiss Percentage: 22%
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