2008 Woodie Awards
Locke and the Bear: Your Mom's got a job
Peter Locke and Phil Broderick
Issue date: 2/7/07 Section: Distractions
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Well, we're tired of being negative. Plus we're tired of screwing and thanking, or thanking and screwing, though we are always thankful for a good screw. WOAH! THAT JUST HAPPENED.
Anyhoo, we've decided to tear a page from Jerry Seinfeld's book of hilarity and make 3 observations about stuff we observed that has no plot.
1. Button Fly Jeans: Who invented you? First of all, the way a man does it, peeing is an in-and-out operation. Un-zip, whiz, re-zip, and then continue with your 6-pack of Smirnoff ice, Ted Williams. What could be more embarrassing than fiddling around with your Randy Johnson while the guy behind you wonders if urinal cakes are "your thing." Secondly, on a cold, windy day, a button fly's wind breaking (not farting) capabilities are minimal, and in today's modern world, one cannot be shrinking away from the competition. Total number of sex or penis jokes in the previous paragraph: 4, count 'em.
2. Good Will Crop. Ok, so, we thought about not telling you. Potentially 50% of our wardrobes come from Lexington Goodwill Stores. Let's just run off the list of items Phil and Locke have recently amassed: A) At least 3 3-piece suits of exceptional taste and quality. B) A Poindexter Family Reunion T-Shirt. Awesome. C) A Harris Tweed Hat (or cap to us civilized folk). D) Andrew Gulotta. E) A T-Shirt that says "This is my costume." F) A CONFEDERATE FLAG TANKTOP. Phil puts the blue collar comedy tour to shame when he puts this on. It's like Uncle Sam driving a speed boat through a ring of fire down a river of money.
3. Chi Psi late night continues to make everyone else's parties inadequate. That's all there is to it. We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Chi Psi is harder than you. Here's a thought, if Chi Psi late night had a video camera, would you not shell out 10 bucks for a DVD of its greatest moments? Sloppy makeouts, pole dancing, people falling down from intense techno enjoyment. Who wouldn't want to see this?
On to the red meat.
Anyhoo, we've decided to tear a page from Jerry Seinfeld's book of hilarity and make 3 observations about stuff we observed that has no plot.
1. Button Fly Jeans: Who invented you? First of all, the way a man does it, peeing is an in-and-out operation. Un-zip, whiz, re-zip, and then continue with your 6-pack of Smirnoff ice, Ted Williams. What could be more embarrassing than fiddling around with your Randy Johnson while the guy behind you wonders if urinal cakes are "your thing." Secondly, on a cold, windy day, a button fly's wind breaking (not farting) capabilities are minimal, and in today's modern world, one cannot be shrinking away from the competition. Total number of sex or penis jokes in the previous paragraph: 4, count 'em.
2. Good Will Crop. Ok, so, we thought about not telling you. Potentially 50% of our wardrobes come from Lexington Goodwill Stores. Let's just run off the list of items Phil and Locke have recently amassed: A) At least 3 3-piece suits of exceptional taste and quality. B) A Poindexter Family Reunion T-Shirt. Awesome. C) A Harris Tweed Hat (or cap to us civilized folk). D) Andrew Gulotta. E) A T-Shirt that says "This is my costume." F) A CONFEDERATE FLAG TANKTOP. Phil puts the blue collar comedy tour to shame when he puts this on. It's like Uncle Sam driving a speed boat through a ring of fire down a river of money.
3. Chi Psi late night continues to make everyone else's parties inadequate. That's all there is to it. We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Chi Psi is harder than you. Here's a thought, if Chi Psi late night had a video camera, would you not shell out 10 bucks for a DVD of its greatest moments? Sloppy makeouts, pole dancing, people falling down from intense techno enjoyment. Who wouldn't want to see this?
On to the red meat.
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