2008 Woodie Awards
Lex and the City: The Breakup, Part 2
Markheavens Tshuma
Issue date: 2/7/07 Section: Distractions
Many people, mainly my friends who I force to read my article, complained about the fact that I left them hanging about how to break up with someone two weeks ago, after all the promises I made about two-parters and whatnot. They accused me of being fickle and leafy and never finishing what I start. One even called me a liar. And so because I'm not excited about being a called a liar, and the thought of some of my fans accusing me of being dishonorable, I present to you the second part of the Breakup series.
Ok, I know. I'm a dime short and a day late, but whatever. I am still finishing what I started. We've already discussed the what -- when certain circumstances occur, a breakup is inevitable. Now let us briefly discuss the how.
A breakup is not a DTR. It is not a conversation. It is not like anything else people do on a regular basis. A breakup is unique in that it is a conversation that no one enjoys, save the most sadistic people in the world. Breakups hurt. They are painful. And it is my job to help you help them go off without a hitch.
1. Never do it in a place with small objects. The reason is simple: small objects can be thrown. Both sexes are equally liable to get angry, lash out and pick up the stapler you have on your desk and hurl at it your bed, straight for your brand new Mac Laptop. Do not be a victim of the crazy girl who throws your iPod at your Anna Kournikova poster. Be smart. Take her to a place where objects are either too small to cause damage or to large to pick up. Ladies- you too should be cautious. Although guys try not to be as dramatic as daytime soap operas, the innate human propensity to throw things is one that is not gender specific. Be careful. Where would you feel safer in the presence of a jilted lunatic, the D-Hall or a calm vacant meadow?
2. Which leads me to my second point. Do not, under any circumstance, ever break up with someone alone. Ever. This is imperative, although contrary to what has been taught for years. For so long, we've heard people say that breaking up with someone in public is just cruel and humiliating. I am here to dispel that old wives tale. The reason a public place is necessary is because people, especially at W&L, care about image. Image is key. Appearance is everything. No one wants an entire room of their peers to know they've just been dumped. So when you say the cheesy line "It isn't you, it's me," they will continue to display the same smile they had before you told them it was over. Trust me. If you want a babbling, crying, mascara-smearing dumpee on your hands, by all means, call them to your room; otherwise, the only place to do it is in the middle of a crowded basement in between Scotty Doesn't Know and Don't Stop Believing.
Ok, I know. I'm a dime short and a day late, but whatever. I am still finishing what I started. We've already discussed the what -- when certain circumstances occur, a breakup is inevitable. Now let us briefly discuss the how.
A breakup is not a DTR. It is not a conversation. It is not like anything else people do on a regular basis. A breakup is unique in that it is a conversation that no one enjoys, save the most sadistic people in the world. Breakups hurt. They are painful. And it is my job to help you help them go off without a hitch.
1. Never do it in a place with small objects. The reason is simple: small objects can be thrown. Both sexes are equally liable to get angry, lash out and pick up the stapler you have on your desk and hurl at it your bed, straight for your brand new Mac Laptop. Do not be a victim of the crazy girl who throws your iPod at your Anna Kournikova poster. Be smart. Take her to a place where objects are either too small to cause damage or to large to pick up. Ladies- you too should be cautious. Although guys try not to be as dramatic as daytime soap operas, the innate human propensity to throw things is one that is not gender specific. Be careful. Where would you feel safer in the presence of a jilted lunatic, the D-Hall or a calm vacant meadow?
2. Which leads me to my second point. Do not, under any circumstance, ever break up with someone alone. Ever. This is imperative, although contrary to what has been taught for years. For so long, we've heard people say that breaking up with someone in public is just cruel and humiliating. I am here to dispel that old wives tale. The reason a public place is necessary is because people, especially at W&L, care about image. Image is key. Appearance is everything. No one wants an entire room of their peers to know they've just been dumped. So when you say the cheesy line "It isn't you, it's me," they will continue to display the same smile they had before you told them it was over. Trust me. If you want a babbling, crying, mascara-smearing dumpee on your hands, by all means, call them to your room; otherwise, the only place to do it is in the middle of a crowded basement in between Scotty Doesn't Know and Don't Stop Believing.
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