2008 Woodie Awards
Two Raging Intellectuals: FACEBOOK=LIFE!!!
Colton Ward and Britt Staniar
Issue date: 1/31/07 Section: Distractions
After extensive research, we have discovered a sure-fire way to judge your value as a human being. Your rating on this scale will determine how many friends you will have, how much money you will make in your life, and how hot your spouse will be. Take a good long look at your facebook profile now. Don't cheat. Be honest with yourself. We think you'll learn a lot about who you are, and what you're made of.
1st step: Total the number of friends you have at Washington and Lee on facebook, move the decimal points two places to the left, and give yourself that many points. In other words, if you have 214 friends, give yourself 2.14 points. Unless you are friends with Caroline Simonson, in which case, subtract .25 off your score.
2nd step: Count the number of pictures on facebook that you or a friend took by holding out the camera in front of you and taking the picture of yourself. This is a great way to get more pictures tagged of you on facebook, but it's completely pathetic. If you have 12 these pictures of you tagged on the facebook, subtract .12 from your score (and so on and so forth).
3rd step: Subtract the total number of pictures that you have tagged of yourself from the total number of pictures that other people have tagged of you. 'Cause let's face it, you're really not that popular if you have to tag pictures of yourself to get on facebook. Take this number, and move the decimal two places to the left (for all you non mathletes out there, if that number is 30, your points are .30). If this number is negative, start rethinking your life and then subtract it from your total.
4th step: Add up the total number of times the words "drinking," "drunk," "beer," "liquor," "drugs" (or any type of drug), "beer pong," "beirut," "lacrosse," or "lax" appear in your profile. Multiply that number by 5, move the decimal point two places to the left, and then subtract that number from your total score (so if the total is 8, you subtract .40 from your score).
1st step: Total the number of friends you have at Washington and Lee on facebook, move the decimal points two places to the left, and give yourself that many points. In other words, if you have 214 friends, give yourself 2.14 points. Unless you are friends with Caroline Simonson, in which case, subtract .25 off your score.
2nd step: Count the number of pictures on facebook that you or a friend took by holding out the camera in front of you and taking the picture of yourself. This is a great way to get more pictures tagged of you on facebook, but it's completely pathetic. If you have 12 these pictures of you tagged on the facebook, subtract .12 from your score (and so on and so forth).
3rd step: Subtract the total number of pictures that you have tagged of yourself from the total number of pictures that other people have tagged of you. 'Cause let's face it, you're really not that popular if you have to tag pictures of yourself to get on facebook. Take this number, and move the decimal two places to the left (for all you non mathletes out there, if that number is 30, your points are .30). If this number is negative, start rethinking your life and then subtract it from your total.
4th step: Add up the total number of times the words "drinking," "drunk," "beer," "liquor," "drugs" (or any type of drug), "beer pong," "beirut," "lacrosse," or "lax" appear in your profile. Multiply that number by 5, move the decimal point two places to the left, and then subtract that number from your total score (so if the total is 8, you subtract .40 from your score).
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