2008 Woodie Awards
The Cueball Test and the Babe Police
Dave Monroe
Issue date: 1/31/07 Section: Distractions
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What constitutes a babe? Well, supposedly it's different for everybody. Across the cultural landscape, the standards of babedom are hotly disputed. Some people look for certain facial characteristics, or laud the merits of a particular body part. For some it's not even physical. Don't laugh. Yes, there are strange folk out there that speak in metaphysical terms about the nebulous concept of "personality." Think that's strange? Heck, I've even heard tales about guys that are not attracted to females at all. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
I think it is long past time that someone put a reliable standard in place. While I pride myself on my aesthetic awareness, I am not so arrogant as to suggest that I am the man for this job. But I do have an important suggestion. An elite police force, a Babe Police if you will, could enforce an acceptable standard of babedom, once such a standard has been established.
Many are the times that I, while conversing with a would-be babe, noticed an unsightly nosehair or pit stain. Moments like these force me to remember that babes are in fact humans like you and me. The primary goal of all babedom is to maintain the illusion that this is not the case. Personally, I prefer to buy into the illusion. But I can't do all the work. Half the responsibility falls on the babes themselves.
This is where the Babe Police once again comes into play. A secret task force could ensure that the babe community maintains a high level of illusion. In fact, with an active Babe Police, I predict that the babe population would increase dramatically. According to my calculations, within two weeks of the inauguration of the Babe Police the W&L campus will become a complete babetropolis. Don't believe me? Well, I have already conducted the experiment, albeit with hamsters.
The Cueball Test
In today's world of babes and babe-wannabes, it is near impossible to be sure to tell what is what. Until now. By utilizing the Cueball Test, the ultimate method of babe analysis, everyone will be able to navigate their way through this turbulent sea without use of the buddy system. The Cueball Test is simple. Next time you are wondering if a female is worthy of babe status, just imagine her with a shaved head. If the bare-skulled apparition in your mind's eye does not horrify you, she is a babe. If the thought of her without any hair does scare you, it is harder to forget that she is a farting, pooping human being just like everyone else. If nothing else, this test makes you grateful for the illusion that females struggle to provide.
I think it is long past time that someone put a reliable standard in place. While I pride myself on my aesthetic awareness, I am not so arrogant as to suggest that I am the man for this job. But I do have an important suggestion. An elite police force, a Babe Police if you will, could enforce an acceptable standard of babedom, once such a standard has been established.
Many are the times that I, while conversing with a would-be babe, noticed an unsightly nosehair or pit stain. Moments like these force me to remember that babes are in fact humans like you and me. The primary goal of all babedom is to maintain the illusion that this is not the case. Personally, I prefer to buy into the illusion. But I can't do all the work. Half the responsibility falls on the babes themselves.
This is where the Babe Police once again comes into play. A secret task force could ensure that the babe community maintains a high level of illusion. In fact, with an active Babe Police, I predict that the babe population would increase dramatically. According to my calculations, within two weeks of the inauguration of the Babe Police the W&L campus will become a complete babetropolis. Don't believe me? Well, I have already conducted the experiment, albeit with hamsters.
The Cueball Test
In today's world of babes and babe-wannabes, it is near impossible to be sure to tell what is what. Until now. By utilizing the Cueball Test, the ultimate method of babe analysis, everyone will be able to navigate their way through this turbulent sea without use of the buddy system. The Cueball Test is simple. Next time you are wondering if a female is worthy of babe status, just imagine her with a shaved head. If the bare-skulled apparition in your mind's eye does not horrify you, she is a babe. If the thought of her without any hair does scare you, it is harder to forget that she is a farting, pooping human being just like everyone else. If nothing else, this test makes you grateful for the illusion that females struggle to provide.
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