2008 Woodie Awards
It's fraternity formal season
Ted Williams
Issue date: 1/31/07 Section: Distractions
Fraternity formals are a time of love, awkwardness, and unrivalled enjoyment. Fratty dudes are, huddled with each other and doing fratty things like wearing hats backwards, drinking Smirnoff Raspberry Twist, and giving high fives. If you are lucky enough, you may even encounter some ribbon belts and those dumb non-traditional tuxedos from Vineyard Vines. It is frat guys at their best. But, an often overlooked crowd at the formals is the eclectic mix of good-looking females. I would like to take a moment to go over the different variety of females we find at these formals:
The Risk. It takes a special breed, one that I call a "frat cowboy" to go out on a limb and take a pretty girl who he doesn't know. It can lead to greatness, but more likely awkwardness that will be talked about for days to come. Normally she either stays sober or drinks too much and latches on to another date thus ruining the evening for a buddy. It is always funny to hear stories about these "frat cowboys" and how they either tank or succeed.
The Friend. If you are the type of person who likes playing online chess against yourself, this is the perfect date.
The Perfect Storm. This is the date that you have maybe had one hand-holding session, and you know that there is definitely going to be more to come. And, it just so happens that your fraternity formal is the next weekend: thus the perfect meeting grounds of luck, preparation, and opportunity. This is the best type of date.
The Non-Girlfriend Import. This is the friend from high school that you know is going to be fun and definitely going to give you a goodnight kiss. Things are essentially locked-up, as the youngsters call it. I do not recommend this type of importation because it is too easy and leaves no thrill of excitement and chance of unbridled success. The only good thing about a non-girlfriend import is that you don't need to introduce her to anybody because neither you nor the fraternity really cares about her. This is kind of like a girl who brings a VMI date to a srat formal.
The Risk. It takes a special breed, one that I call a "frat cowboy" to go out on a limb and take a pretty girl who he doesn't know. It can lead to greatness, but more likely awkwardness that will be talked about for days to come. Normally she either stays sober or drinks too much and latches on to another date thus ruining the evening for a buddy. It is always funny to hear stories about these "frat cowboys" and how they either tank or succeed.
The Friend. If you are the type of person who likes playing online chess against yourself, this is the perfect date.
The Perfect Storm. This is the date that you have maybe had one hand-holding session, and you know that there is definitely going to be more to come. And, it just so happens that your fraternity formal is the next weekend: thus the perfect meeting grounds of luck, preparation, and opportunity. This is the best type of date.
The Non-Girlfriend Import. This is the friend from high school that you know is going to be fun and definitely going to give you a goodnight kiss. Things are essentially locked-up, as the youngsters call it. I do not recommend this type of importation because it is too easy and leaves no thrill of excitement and chance of unbridled success. The only good thing about a non-girlfriend import is that you don't need to introduce her to anybody because neither you nor the fraternity really cares about her. This is kind of like a girl who brings a VMI date to a srat formal.
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