2008 Woodie Awards
How to spot Un-Americans
Chris Rizzo
Issue date: 1/31/07 Section: Distractions
We live in a new world, one characterized by 9/11 and the multitude of consequences resulting from the events of that day. Our political landscape has most likely been altered forever, and we have been forced to become more cautious and aware of national security than at any time before. The government has clearly taken a proactive approach towards ensuring our safety, but more and more the onus is falling upon us, the common citizens, to protect one another and our country in the war against terrorism. One needs to look no further than public transportation for an illustration of this, as authorities constantly urge us to report any and all suspicious bags or behavior. However, outside of this small, isolated environment, it is difficult to detect what could be potentially terrorist activities.
Thus, it is necessary for us to understand exactly with what and with whom we are dealing. To effectively combat terrorism, we must be able to know precisely what to look for - the question that we should all ask ourselves when we observe the behavior of an individual about whom we are wary is: Is this Un-American?
To do my part in helping to keep America safe, I have compiled a list of Un-American behaviors. If you witness any person performing one of these heinous acts, be cautious of them. If you witness two acts, be prepared to thwart a terrorist attack at any moment. However, if you witness three or more of these behaviors from an individual, make a citizen's arrest on the spot - you will be rewarded handsomely.
1. Not Watching the Super Bowl
One of my professors told me today that he did not watch the big game, and I immediately put him on my suspect list. We are the only country in the world (aside from Canada) that has an established, highly competitive football league (NFL Europe is merely a branch of the NFL). Football is this country's most popular sport, and what is more American than watching 22 athletic machines destroy one another for 60 minutes? Americans don't have time for the other, more delicate version of football that is far more popular elsewhere in the world; we have an insatiable desire for violent athletic competition, and the Super Bowl represents the supreme stage for these gladiatorial exhibitions. Even people who don't like football at least gather with their friends to celebrate the most American of all sporting events. Be extremely cautious of those who refuse to adhere to this time honored tradition.
Thus, it is necessary for us to understand exactly with what and with whom we are dealing. To effectively combat terrorism, we must be able to know precisely what to look for - the question that we should all ask ourselves when we observe the behavior of an individual about whom we are wary is: Is this Un-American?
To do my part in helping to keep America safe, I have compiled a list of Un-American behaviors. If you witness any person performing one of these heinous acts, be cautious of them. If you witness two acts, be prepared to thwart a terrorist attack at any moment. However, if you witness three or more of these behaviors from an individual, make a citizen's arrest on the spot - you will be rewarded handsomely.
1. Not Watching the Super Bowl
One of my professors told me today that he did not watch the big game, and I immediately put him on my suspect list. We are the only country in the world (aside from Canada) that has an established, highly competitive football league (NFL Europe is merely a branch of the NFL). Football is this country's most popular sport, and what is more American than watching 22 athletic machines destroy one another for 60 minutes? Americans don't have time for the other, more delicate version of football that is far more popular elsewhere in the world; we have an insatiable desire for violent athletic competition, and the Super Bowl represents the supreme stage for these gladiatorial exhibitions. Even people who don't like football at least gather with their friends to celebrate the most American of all sporting events. Be extremely cautious of those who refuse to adhere to this time honored tradition.
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